The truth is that you can pursue your goals and be the most successful person on the planet and still be the unhappiest! Why? Because happiness is derived from a feeling of profound meaning, not a list of accomplishments.
Of course you can pursue a career that contributes major value to the world and makes you feel purposeful. Yet, that alone is just one aspect of the human capacity for deep fulfillment. Another huge aspect is meaningful relationships: having a big impact on other people through frequent, ardent interactions.
But how do you create AND SUSTAIN those frequent, ardent interactions? Especially, when you are a young adult trying to be academically successful and grow into your identity and passions?
It’s all strategy. Having the heart (desire) for strong relationships is great, but if you don’t know the strategy behind it, you’ll get lost, confused, and irritated by people.
There are precisely 5 things that I always keep in mind when I’m communicating with another person and that I have found to actually make the relationship smoother and more pungent.
Disclaimer: Unlike other topics, the tips in this article are only based on my experience and the experience of others (NOT SCIENTIFIC). Please keep in mind that while there is scientific evidence showing that strong relationships ARE necessary for true happiness, the strategies I’m about to share are sheer personal advice- and anecdotal evidence is not pure evidence. Also, some of the links in this article are affiliate, meaning at no cost to you, I’ll earn a small commission if you click through and make a purchase.
As always, my favorite books on this topic are: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn, The Art of Connection by Michael Gelb, The Elephant in the Brain by Kevin Simler & Robin Hanson, Relationships 101 by John Maxwell, Getting Unstuck by Timothy Butler, Approval Addiction, Reduce Me to Love, & Conflict-Free Living by Joyce Meyer.
- Listen to Understand NOT Reply
When you are talking to someone, are you actually trying to listen to what they are saying and understanding their perspective? Or are you already skipping ahead to the most comedic comeback you could say or how to prove your point further?
In a relationship, the other person should always be given more priority of expression than yourself. And if both parties do that, then you’ve got one nice partnership with equal expression.
But, if both parties decide to roll the ball to themselves, no one is going to be happy. Both will feel unexpressed and their emotions underrepresented.
So, when someone is describing their problems to you or complaining or even just discussing an issue, don’t dismiss their problems as trivial or their claims as illegitimate.
Listen intently. Try to really just look through their eyes for even a moment and see what they are feeling/experiencing. Nothing but genuine understanding, compassion, and desire to help can come out of that.
2. Overlook Weaknesses and Magnify Strengths
Everyone has both. Everyone is great at one thing and sucks at another. We can’t point fingers and stab at each other’s weaknesses because you have some, too, honey boo.
What you focus on expands. It’s a universal law. What you believe and hold to be true in your mind slowly sneaks up on you and becomes your physical reality.
So, in a relationship, if you focus on the other person’s weaknesses and constantly point them out, then guess what? That person will convey more of those weaknesses.
If you praise the person for their strengths, you will see more of them.
BEWARE: Side effects of praising people’s strengths include: increased likability, surging positive interactions, and potential romance. JK.
3. Let Go of Minor Wrongdoings
No interaction is void of misunderstanding, arguments, and emotional pain. It’s a fact of life. For every good thing that can happen, the opposite has equal chance of occurring.
To have true love, you must have true pain. To have outstanding communication, you must have infuriating misunderstandings. You don’t get the good completely free of the bad.
That’s why you should, in the immortal words of Elsa from Frozen, “let it go.”
Be wise enough to value the relationship more than your own ego. Be wise enough to know that hurt comes with the package. Ignore the minor wrongdoings and tension points for the sake of the grander picture: a beautiful bond with a person you truly love and care about.
Having strong relationships is all about that kind of wisdom: the identification and prioritization of conflicting values. You must know what you value and to what extent.
Are you willing to sacrifice a life-long bond or an important person for a foolish mistake they did that can surely by resolved? Only you decide.
4. Avoid Emotional Outrage
I have seen far too many people say some incredibly hurtful things in moments of emotional outrage and anger. It is achingly damaging.
Oftentimes they regret it. Often, they know the consequences. They just couldn’t help giving in to their feelings and irrational rage.
Other people’s form of emotional outrage can be internal disappointment and negative thoughts about the other person instead of direct confrontation (passive aggressive).
Both are forms of emotional outrage, active or not. Both are equally evident in an individual and in a relationship. You can’t mask disgust, disappointment, or anger regarding someone you truly love.
That means it will show up in the relationship. Whether you yell at someone and hurt them back or internally house negativity towards them, you will not be happy.
If you care about the relationship one iota, then express your concerns calmly. You don’t have to let it go if it’s something that needs to be dealt with. You can address the problem in a rational, inoffensive manner.
5. Invest in the Relationship on a Frequent Basis
Strong relationships, like most things in life, require an input to generate an output.
You can’t have one without the other. There will be no function.
You can’t expect a relationship to flourish if you don’t actively AND CONSISTENTLY invest time and energy into it.
So, what does that translate to, practically speaking? That means buy the freakin’ roses, write the birthday cards, send the “good morning” texts! Call your best friends, face-time your mom, go shopping with your sister.
Put genuine thought and effort into it. SHOW that you care.
Never underestimate the impact of small, consistent actions, particularly in relationships. People will feel it if you care. And you show that you care through investing in communion with them.
The gist of building strong relationships is this: understand the person in front of you and have an empathy beyond the reply to their words.
Then, overlook their shortcomings and let go of them. Don’t let yourself get enraged by the hurtful actions/words.
Focus on how they are awesome people and all the great things they do! Praise them for it. Make it clear that that’s what you see in them and that you appreciate it. Lastly, spend intentional, meaningful, and consistent time with them.